"Ringing"

For the last several months I have been experiencing what those in the medical community call "tinnitus". Many people have never heard of this before and to be honest I was ignorant to this until I myself experienced it. Tinnitus refers to a ringing noise in the ears. This noise has no outside origion and is due to the misfiring of auditory nerves between the ear and the brain. There is no cure nothing that can be done to help and no one can possible understand without experiencing it for themselves.

I have described what tinnitus is but not what it means to someone who has it. Tinnitus really means loneliness. Its funny how something so simply and nonthreatning can leave a person feeling very very alone. At first most people don't really understand when they here what it is. They asked questions and give pity remarks saying things like "that sounds aweful" or "I'm really sorry". But rather than having you imagine what it would be like to have ringing in your head all the time I would rather describe the day I had today.

This morning I woke up feeling very tired because I didn't sleep much last night. I woke up several times and finally had to go into the living room and turn on the tv louder than my wife can stand to fall asleep. When I did wake up it wasn't so bad today so I tried my best to ignore it through listening to music in the car and turning on a fan a home and for the most part today was ok. Later on in the evening is when it started to bother me. There are constant ups and downs when it comes to ringing. Some days you are so busy and distracted that you hardley notice, and other days my head hurts from tugging on my hair because its too hard to concentrate on anything. I feel as though today was a relitively good day. I think thats why I've decided to write. I don't think I could write about it on a bad day.

Many days I really just feel alone. Constant ringing is a funny thing because when you tell others about it you either get pitied which doesn't make you feel any better or it forces you to really focus on the ringing which makes it worse. So most of the time I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm tired of bothering people about it. It's funny because I don't really want others to know about it the more time goes on. Or I should rephrase that to say I don't want people that I come in regular contact with to know about it. I don't like discussing it in person because it makes me feel inferior to those around me. Having something wrong with you for which there is no cure or treatment tends to make you feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless I've always felt as though there was nothing in this life that I couldn't overcome. Now I would gladly accept help to overcome, but there is no help for me.

This is why I want to share my thoughts. Perhaps I can find som help or help someone else. Either way I think I'm just looking for some way to empower myself. Not empower like those self help guys try to make you feel empowered, but rather true empowerment found through myself. I don't want someone else to show me the way I want to find it. In fact somehow I think that finding it is the only way to achieve it. I think that I feel alone because right now I want to feel alone. Hopefully that will change but I don't think that this is the kind of thing that you change because you want to. Rather I think that change will only come through action.

A New Day

This is a new day for me in my life. I have decieded to share my story with the world. I feel as though many share similar challenges and hopes as I do. however, I hope to reach people through my experiences and I hope to be reach by others. In this I welcome input I will try to respond to things that I here about and possible link several things through other medis outlets.

Rather than working through the story chronologically I've decieded to let emotion dictate what gets told and when. This way I feel as though more meaningful things will be shared. Even if very few share in my thoughts I feel validated just putting them out there for whatever reason.